It’s getting incrementally more difficult to get motivated toward writing these monthly journals. At a certain point, it has to be alright if I skip one of these when I don’t have much to say. Here’s what it looks like when I force myself to try.
It’s been an up and down month for me; I am making upward progress on some personal goals while my personal wellbeing has trended downward. The doctor’s visit in the middle of the month was a step in the right direction for my long-term health, while the following days spent managing a stubborn chest cold were a step back in my short-term quality of life. I’m slowly getting my energy back thanks to some nutritional changes while my state of mind continues to spiral further out of control.
I truly loathe the experience of being pulled in all these different directions. I could reach a state of baseline contentment, or something resembling it, if I could just count on some amount of consistency in my daily life. I try so hard to build up these little things bit by bit, then some unexpected outside force arrives to kick down my sand castle. When one thing goes right, two things go wrong. As soon as I start to feel like I’m getting somewhere, I have to stop for an indefinite amount of time to put out yet another fire, at which point I’ve forgotten what I was even doing in the first place. If this is what I’m to expect from adult life, I’m left to wonder what even is the point of it all.
Work is relatively slow for another week as the fall busy season looms large. After that, I’m staring down another round of holidays and the constant interruptions associated with them. The breakneck pace of time is irksome, at best. The inability to grab on to my days and make the most of them is grating on my very soul.
This is the part where I’m supposed to wrangle these feelings and spit up some conclusion that makes me feel better for a few minutes. I don’t know, man, I’m just so tired. There has to be a way for things to get better, somehow.
At the very least, I’ve been making good on some long-term wishes by finally taking a crack at electronic music production. I’ve begun learning the ins and outs of some DAW software on my various computers and started exercising some music theory concepts that were gathering cobwebs in the attic of my brain. I’ve been tinkering with LSDJ on my retro handheld over the past few days, and already have some decent results to show for it. I have to be realistic; it’s going to take years to get a handle on this skill. Chipping away at it now means I have a chance to reach greater highs later on—I have to keep this in mind every single day, even when things aren’t going the way I want them to.