The year continues to fly by. April bleeds into May which bleeds into June, which runs up against a month jam-packed with life events I'm not entirely sure I'm prepared for. Both of my jobs have been testing my patience in various ways, while my own personal growth (or lack thereof) continues to be at the front of my mind in each spare moment I can scrounge up.
The new mattress ended up being a good fit for my partner and I; we've both been getting much better sleep ever since we swapped it in. I'm back to cutting off unnecessary vices and my self-care routines continue to happen fairly effortlessly. I'm doing better at not filling every moment of downtime with online entertainment...sometimes. My mood has been up and down over the course of the month, but I'm starting to feel more consistently clear headed over the past week. I'm forcing myself to stop overthinking and approach each day with a fresh perspective. It's just difficult not to feel empty about it all after a certain point.
I grow tired of not being able to reach the places I want to go. I still can't seem to make myself do something creative in my spare time or think outside the box about certain things. While I've lost a decent amount of weight since it became an issue last year, I'm back to feeling stuck on my fitness goals. I'm glad that some of my to-do items are being checked off when possible, but the big what-ifs of life are causing some serious mental strain if I'm being honest. I don't think any amount of self-improvement mantras are going to keep me from feeling like this if I don't start to see a clearer picture soon.
There's no way to sugarcoat this, no easy fix that will snap me back into place. I just have to wake up each day and do a little bit more than I did previously. But maybe more than anything: I can't beat myself up over anything that happens. My life is not a story book, I am not the main character of anything. If there's some higher standard I'm supposed to live up to, who exactly is holding me to it? It's possible that I am destined to toil in this place forever and equally possible that if I try to take a leap toward something better, I fall flat on my face and end up worse off. Struggle and grind do not always lead to something; uncomfortable experiences do not necessarily make us better people.
I want to take ten minutes out of each day to meditate. I want to go on walks every day and spend more time outside in general. I want to keep increasing my weight training regimen every month and work up to longer cardio sessions. I want to read and write more often. I want to get better at making electronic music. I want to explore some form of visual design on the computer. I want to learn a new language. I want to improve at chess. I want to find interesting things to post on social media more consistently. When I don't have the energy for these activities, I want to play video games or watch movies and TV shows instead of wasting time clicking on the same websites or scrolling endless mobile feeds over and over.
There's more that I want beyond this, but these are concrete goals I should just be able to chip away at without thinking about them so much. If I can't figure out how to get started soon, I fear something inside me is going to break. But that's just it, what is making me so anxious about things I should want to do with my time? Is this a big deal, or is it going to be okay regardless? Which is it?
One thing is for sure, I'm ready to do more than just talk.