I’ve reached that sweet spot in the year when obligations have begun to lighten up and my second job is still off for another month, which means I have more time to clear my head throughout the week. It’s nice to have a bit more freedom in how I structure my days, even if it comes with a level of personal accountability I’m not always equipped to handle. I’ve done an okay job checking off some minor to-do list items lately as other procrastinated responsibilities press against the back of my head each day.
A prolonged busy cycle of work crescendoed in the middle portion of the month with a last-minute weekend trip to Cincinnati. It’s been several years since I’ve needed to make a trip for my job, it’s always a break glass in case of emergency scenario when I get sent on the road. Workflows have been more streamlined over the past half-decade or so under more competent management, but recent staffing shortages left the remainder of us drawing straws to make a trek across state lines after an eventful week. That said, the trip was a success and ended up being a much-needed getaway for my partner and I. We stayed in some nice hotels, ate pretty well, visited the zoo, found some interesting relics while thrift shopping and stopped in at a local arcade for an evening of pinball.
Then, in the blink of an eye, Monday rolled around. A return to business as usual, albeit with the intensity tapering off somewhat. I enjoyed the opportunity to get out of this town for a while despite some initial hesitancy, but that shine pretty quickly wore off as everyday life resumed. Back to chores, routines, time-consuming personal projects that make me want to rip my hair out, feeling stuck, getting nowhere.
Much of the malaise that colored my last journal entry has carried on into June. I’m running up against the halfway mark within this neglected middle-child of a year and don’t know where the time went. The entropic state of the world has weighed me down for what feels like an eternity. At a certain point, I have to remember not to let events outside my control have such a deleterious effect on me. I have to take back control of my body and propel it toward where I want to be one step at a time, not letting slight bumps knock me off course so easily.
Where exactly do I want to be, though? I have these idealized visions of what my future could look like, as if I’m still some teenage slacker who hasn’t yet had a bitter taste of reality. While I might still be considered young by some people, I don’t feel that way very often anymore. I’ve made a series of choices that got me to this point in life. Whatever value judgment you want to make about them, they’ve all happened now. I’m not destitute or anything, but at the same time, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I was closer in age to that awkward, naive adolescent I look back on with mixed feelings.
Realistically, I'd like to reach a place where I can reliably take charge of my days. I want to work on something for an extended period of time instead of hastily cramming it all into one day when the stars happen to align. I need a dependable source of motivation that I know will be there when I wake up the next day. I wish to be free from these nagging doubts, defense mechanisms and knee-jerk second guesses that stop me in my tracks.
There are benefits to the way I currently live and I don’t want a future version of myself to look back wishing I had acted differently. I do that too often about my younger self, look at what it’s doing to me now. The importance of this moment cannot be understated, especially since I’ll have some extra time to think and reflect for a bit. I’ll be re-committing myself to the building blocks for as long as I can stand it. Instead of staring longingly at the end result and getting stuck in a bad mood about not having reached it, I’m making an honest effort to be more positive, focused and narrow in scope.