I've been subconsciously dreading this, not because I have anything noteworthy or stressful to report, mostly the opposite. I have been in such a nothing mood inside my head to the point that all I can do is project nothingness out into the world.
After the nonstop feed of events in May, June has been characterized by predictability, mundanity, the routine. Lately, I've been thinking about how experience shapes people. In the same way we are what we eat, what we go through is who we become, both on a day-to-day basis and in aggregate.
The truth is, on a spiritual level, I want to be writing. I want to be creating things and putting them out into the world. I want to be learning new skills and improving the ones I've already got. Deep down, I want to transform into a more well-rounded person.
Getting my body to cooperate has been a Sisyphean task. There are some areas where I excel at getting into a routine and others that I just let fall by the wayside for months. This personal journal on the web is, if anything, a direct way to periodically re-evaluate how well I am doing at said task.
There is, however, a certain something I fear more than physical limitations. I worry the experience of modern life–—the alienation, the exploitation, the banality, the invisible box of dopamine feedback——has shaped me into a dull person. I am at my best when I can write what I know, and there are very many things of which I do not.
One such thing is whether or not I'll be able to continue living here. The situation has cooled down considerably since I last sat down to write, but I still crave a level of certainty that looks increasingly less likely. Like so many things, I have no control, I just have to accept a roll of the dice whose true odds my puny, insignificant mind could never perceive.
Rather than continue to despair about the unknown, I am choosing to take it one day at a time, checking things off the to-do list when I can manage. The feeling of completing a task I've been meaning to get to for an extended period of time, no matter how minor, may be a Top 5 Satisfying Feeling. Instead of dreading effort so much, letting my procrastination act as a boat anchor, I should push myself to get it done.