It didn't take long to fall back into old habits. Countless momentary decisions led me back here, experiencing life as if it only happens at me. I know I still have control, so why is maintaining it so difficult?
It's been a weird month, not much has been going on but something is making me slowly lose my mind—perhaps that lack of ongoing goings on is partly to blame. I haven't felt creatively inspired or even particularly conversational. Sparks of internal motivation fly here and there, but the engine is stalling out.
My sleep has suffered a lot lately; there's either too much or not enough of it on any given day. I really had something going when I got back from my trip last month, but all it takes is one or two late nights to unravel every bit of progress. I've bemoaned my sleep dysfunction for years on this journal to the point that I now realize my relationship to sleep must undergo a complete overhaul if I'm going to fix it. Sure, some additional structure in my life wouldn't hurt in this regard, but it says a lot about me if I can't even get motivated to do the bare minimum in attempting to fix this problem.
I'm coming to understand more clearly that I'd rather be tired from lack of sleep than fatigued after oversleeping. The crash from fatigue is such a horrible sensation that I'd do anything possible to avoid it in the future. I don't struggle as much these days ever since I addressed my vitamin deficiencies, but it can definitely still pop up if I'm not maintaining something resembling a consistent schedule. Additionally, I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out on the full experience of mornings. I've never been much of a morning person and I’ve always relished the chance to sleep in, especially when I was still in school. Still, something about waking up early yesterday and going on a short walk to start my day put me in a better frame of mind to get a couple of small things done, especially compared a few days ago when I got more than enough sleep yet crashed out so hard in the afternoon that I wasn't sure I'd make it to the evening shift on time.
I am, in several ways, afraid of the passage of time. Life moves too fast and I must slow down to recover in whichever way possible, even if that means bowing out of anything beyond the most basic activities. One way I could start to address this problem is to simply give myself more waking hours in the day. I normally stay up late to accomplish this, but that practice eventually causes me to get snagged on the invisible boundaries of human society as each following day feels more condensed than the last and my returns begin to diminish.
Rest is important, I know that. I'm not swearing off sleeping in either, though maybe I could endeavor to keep that habit contained within the weekend like the days gone by. If this works and I decide I like being awake for early mornings over late nights, maybe I'll be more motivated to go to sleep earlier at night. After all, small adjustments like this can eventually lead to new places.