Real life has picked back up over the past week-and-a-half-or-so following my trip to Portugal. I made sure to soak in each moment of time away, however brief it may have been in the grand scheme of things. Now that I’m settled back into the way things are, that warm, carefree drift through foreign experiences has been abruptly replaced by predictable, routine motions, the types of which I’ve ponderously detailed in this journal over the past however many months.
I convinced myself that being away from this place for a week would’ve at least provided me a new outlook, a chance to reset my mode of thinking about life and reorient my views toward the possibility of a different type of existence. Perhaps something resembling that overhaul in perspective took place deep down inside me, but I can’t say for sure. Spending each day walking tens of thousands of paces and treating my senses to something new each step of the way built up some momentum toward internal positivity that I believe has been maintained so far since I’ve been back. The only recent instance when my mood took a downturn was during some entirely avoidable tech problems that derailed a day and a half over the past weekend.
Still, the same kinds of issues that I dealt with before I left continue to gnaw at me even as I write this. It’s true that my mood has been much better overall, but my focus, mindfulness and energy levels have left much to be desired on certain days. I guess it’s silly to think that trying on a new lifestyle for a week can change a person completely, I just thought I would’ve noticed more of a difference.
The good news is that my sleep habits have been much better—I have not stayed up past 12:45am at the absolute latest and I usually fall asleep around or before 11pm on most nights. I cannot understate how big of a change that is, I hope to maintain it well into the future. I’m back to exercising as well as eating and fasting on a consistent schedule. I’m even managing to keep my vices in check, almost incredibly so. The next thing to tackle is meditation, and then getting back into at least 30 minutes of creative work per day. I feel like I’ve always had problems reinserting myself into routines after they’ve been interrupted, though I wonder how much truth there actually is to that. Sure, my writing and other creative outputs can fall by the wayside for a variety of reasons, but I do believe I’ve reached a place where at least the basic stuff will start to flow naturally.
I was recently asked to be a groomsman for a wedding, so now I fear my mind has something else to hyperfixate on to the point that I can’t fully concentrate on the present moment and reach something resembling creative flow, a fragile state of being I have tried to shape my life around building up and maintaining. I shouldn’t look at it that way; I can’t imagine it will require the same amount of effort and monetary investment as international travel and I am happy to not only be included in the ceremony but also to help do my part to make everything great for the people who are close to me, though part of me wonders how equipped I am to add this new role to my juggling act.
The takeaway I must repeat to myself: there will never be ideal conditions to do that thing I want to do. Life is always going to throw curveballs in my direction, it’s important that I anticipate them and swing the fucking bat when the time comes. I’m going to scrape time for my goals out from the bottom of the barrel if I have to, and I’m going to succeed.