It’s the last day of the month again, a Saturday. I woke up well into the afternoon having blown completely past a reasonable bedtime the night before. My sleep problems are about as bad as they’ve ever been. I crashed out pretty hard, both colloquially and physically, around 8pm last night. I probably could have gone to sleep for good around this time if not for a bizarre spell of nausea and vertigo that accompanied this sensation, followed by a reinvigoration around yet another technology-fueled black hole that has characterized nearly all of my nights for as long as I can remember.
Today, my body vacillates between states of alertness and aloofness. I'd been anticipating the end of the month over the past few days, otherwise I doubt I would’ve even remembered to tackle this journal entry. I’m going to listen to my body and try to rest, but knowing me, I will eventually find a reason to lose several nighttime hours to something entirely inconsequential once again.
Despite these struggles, I’ve managed to get some personally productive tasks done lately. I stuck a calendar sheet I printed off on the pin board above my computer desk and marked an “X” over every day this month that I worked on a creative or personal task for at least 30 minutes. I’ve also indicated an upward, downward or sideways arrow to signify my overall mood and energy level each day over the past three weeks. After getting into this routine, I marked an upward arrow five out of the seven days of the week for the past two weeks. Up to this point, a sideways arrow has indicated that my mood was at least okay but my energy levels were low from sleeping poorly. Yesterday was a sideways arrow day, today likely to be the same if all this keeps up. Moving forward, I'd like to mark down symbols for exercise, fasting and meditation as well.
There isn’t much to worry about for now. Work has been pretty typical of a calm before the storm period and looks to continue this way for at least another week. The second job has mostly settled back into a predictable routine after a period of upheaval over the past couple of months. Nobody has been constantly breathing down my neck about anything, my preferred state of being.
Still, it’s about time that I get ahead of what’s coming. My main job will begin to spin up again before I know it. Not long after that, I am taking a trip which has already forced me to put much of my personal life on hold. There are so many hidden costs associated with travel beyond transportation and accommodations, more than I’ve even begun to imagine. It’s good that I’ve saved up plenty of money because between lost wages from not working while on vacation and my own lack of spending discipline when I’m out of my element, my financials are poised to take a hit for multiple quarters at this rate. Still, I know it will all be worthwhile. I’ve acquired so much stuff and so few experiences over the past couple of years that it’s about time to tip the scales in the other direction.
A common refrain in this journal is a refocus on the small steps that make up a long, winding journey to a better life. Our spirits walk several pathways at the same time, sometimes stumbling or getting pushed back on one while sprinting ahead on another. I am constantly evaluating a choice between maximizing the task at hand while neglecting something else or spreading my efforts out evenly to the point that I feel like I’m stuck in the mud on all fronts. No matter what my material reality looks like, I am cursed with this perpetual feeling of having been left behind long ago. It’s up to me to figure out what a life worth living looks like amid the dust clouds of other people’s journeys, and I’m starting to get there.